It’s a common dynamic: a woman starts expressing strong emotions, and the man shuts down or reacts aggressively. Not because he’s bad. But because he just can’t hold it.
When a man feels overwhelmed by a woman’s emotions, it’s often not just about her. Her feelings wake up something old in him — emotions from childhood that were never processed.
Maybe his mother or father expressed their emotions with blame or criticism. For example, when they were upset, it always came with a message like: “it's because of you” or “You always make me upset.” As a child, he had to stay alert, fix things, and make sure the adult was okay.
His nervous system learned: other people’s emotions are dangerous — because they come with a lot of unpleasant feelings: guilt, pressure, punishment. They create a strong discomfort inside, which is very difficult to handle. That created a strong link in his brain — now, any intense emotion from someone else feels like an attack or a threat. Even if it’s not.
So hen his partner expresses emotion, he doesn’t just hear her voice. He hears all the past voices at once. It’s too much. He starts to collapse.
And then come the three common male strategies:
When a man feels overwhelmed by a woman’s emotions, it’s often not just about her. Her feelings wake up something old in him — emotions from childhood that were never processed.
Maybe his mother or father expressed their emotions with blame or criticism. For example, when they were upset, it always came with a message like: “it's because of you” or “You always make me upset.” As a child, he had to stay alert, fix things, and make sure the adult was okay.
His nervous system learned: other people’s emotions are dangerous — because they come with a lot of unpleasant feelings: guilt, pressure, punishment. They create a strong discomfort inside, which is very difficult to handle. That created a strong link in his brain — now, any intense emotion from someone else feels like an attack or a threat. Even if it’s not.
So hen his partner expresses emotion, he doesn’t just hear her voice. He hears all the past voices at once. It’s too much. He starts to collapse.
And then come the three common male strategies:
- Withdraw and pretend nothing’s happening
He shuts off emotionally. He becomes quiet, distracted, overly logical, or simply absent.
To her, it feels like rejection or coldness — but to him, it’s the only way to stay safe: by not engaging at all.
He hopes that if he doesn’t react, the emotions will fade on their own.
But yes, after some time she calms down — not because she feels better, but because she feels alone and unseen. And it makes a huge cut in your connection.
To her, it feels like rejection or coldness — but to him, it’s the only way to stay safe: by not engaging at all.
He hopes that if he doesn’t react, the emotions will fade on their own.
But yes, after some time she calms down — not because she feels better, but because she feels alone and unseen. And it makes a huge cut in your connection.
2. Shut her down with words
He says something sharp, harsh, or completely inappropriate — not because he wants to be cruel, but because he’s desperate to stop the emotional wave.
He might say things he knows he’ll regret later, just to interrupt her emotional intensity. It’s not rational — it’s pure survival mode.
He might say things he knows he’ll regret later, just to interrupt her emotional intensity. It’s not rational — it’s pure survival mode.
3. Use aggression to shut her down
He slams a door, throws something, raises his voice, or makes a threatening gesture — not because he wants to hurt her, but because he wants her to stop.
In that moment, he doesn’t know how else to make the emotions disappear, so he tries to intimidate her into silence. It’s a way to force the situation to stop — quickly and at any cost.
In that moment, he doesn’t know how else to make the emotions disappear, so he tries to intimidate her into silence. It’s a way to force the situation to stop — quickly and at any cost.
The hard truth is: we do these things not for the other person, but for ourselves — because we don’t know how else to cope.
But imagine if you had the emotional space to just stay. To let her go through her wave — without reacting, without shutting her down, and without withdrawing. No one can cry or scream forever. She would burn through her emotions in a few hours. And you could stay right there: “I’m with you. I love you."
When you’re not mixing her emotions with old pain, you can hold space for her.
When we work together in couple coaching, it’s exactly what we teach partners
That’s a much better strategy.
When you’re not mixing her emotions with old pain, you can hold space for her.
When we work together in couple coaching, it’s exactly what we teach partners
- how to hold space without burning out,
- how not to get triggered by each other’s emotions,
- and how to stay connected even when things get intense.
That’s a much better strategy.