Boundaries: A Wall or a Bridge?
Open Instagram or scroll through a post about relationships, and chances are you’ll see something about boundaries. People share tips, lists, personal stories. Suddenly, it became extremely important to protect your boundaries — sometimes at any cost.
But let me ask you this: Have you ever lost an important relationship because of a miscommunication about a boundary? Or had someone threaten to leave the relationship if their boundaries weren’t respected?
But let me ask you this: Have you ever lost an important relationship because of a miscommunication about a boundary? Or had someone threaten to leave the relationship if their boundaries weren’t respected?
The Symbiosis Phase: Where Boundaries Disappear
If we look at the early stages of relationship development, especially the phase of symbiosis, things start to make more sense. We often feel as if we’ve found our missing half — and in that state, the idea of setting a boundary can seem not just unnecessary, but even threatening. At this stage, boundaries are almost invisible.
We feel close, understood, and deeply aligned.
We give, we adjust, we try not to create tension.
Why create distance when everything feels so good?
But of course, there might be another extreme at this stage — especially if you’ve just left a toxic or abusive relationship and made a firm decision never to go through that kind of pain again. In that case, boundaries might appear early on, but not as gentle signals or honest conversations. Instead, they show up as a set of strict rules — a kind of checklist handed over to the other person, often before trust has even had a chance to form.
We feel close, understood, and deeply aligned.
We give, we adjust, we try not to create tension.
Why create distance when everything feels so good?
But of course, there might be another extreme at this stage — especially if you’ve just left a toxic or abusive relationship and made a firm decision never to go through that kind of pain again. In that case, boundaries might appear early on, but not as gentle signals or honest conversations. Instead, they show up as a set of strict rules — a kind of checklist handed over to the other person, often before trust has even had a chance to form.
From No Boundaries to Walls
But what happens when your boundaries are invisible? The other person doesn’t even get a chance to test or respect them — they simply don’t see them. So they keep moving forward. Not necessarily out of bad intentions, but because you’ve shown that everything is okay.
And then, one day, something shifts. You can’t take it anymore. And instead of a calm “no,” what comes out is a wall. You shut down. You push them away.
From the outside, it feels like a sudden change — from complete openness to total rejection. But in reality, it’s a sign that the boundary was missing all along. Or it was there, but only in two extremes: either too soft or too rigid.
And then, one day, something shifts. You can’t take it anymore. And instead of a calm “no,” what comes out is a wall. You shut down. You push them away.
From the outside, it feels like a sudden change — from complete openness to total rejection. But in reality, it’s a sign that the boundary was missing all along. Or it was there, but only in two extremes: either too soft or too rigid.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries don’t work like that. They’re not fixed at the extremes — not total openness, and not rigid control. Instead, they’re flexible.
They’re flexible, they move depending on the context.
For close people, they’re a little nearer. For distant ones, a little further.
For example, the way you set boundaries with your child is not the same as with a colleague. If a friend or colleague called you repeatedly, you might set a firm limit. But if your child calls twenty times in a row, you might not complain — not because you lack boundaries, but because your boundary in that relationship is different.
In some areas they’re soft, in others more firm. But they’re always there — clear enough to protect you, soft enough to keep you connected.
When your boundaries are healthy, people don’t get too close unless you want them to — but they also don’t stay cold or distant, because you’re still emotionally available. You’re not hiding behind a wall. You’re simply clear.
So customizing your boundaries to fit the person, the situation—is really important.
They’re flexible, they move depending on the context.
For close people, they’re a little nearer. For distant ones, a little further.
For example, the way you set boundaries with your child is not the same as with a colleague. If a friend or colleague called you repeatedly, you might set a firm limit. But if your child calls twenty times in a row, you might not complain — not because you lack boundaries, but because your boundary in that relationship is different.
In some areas they’re soft, in others more firm. But they’re always there — clear enough to protect you, soft enough to keep you connected.
When your boundaries are healthy, people don’t get too close unless you want them to — but they also don’t stay cold or distant, because you’re still emotionally available. You’re not hiding behind a wall. You’re simply clear.
So customizing your boundaries to fit the person, the situation—is really important.
Not Everything Uncomfortable is Toxic
We live in a time of fast labeling. A single comment, a moment of discomfort, or an unmet need — and suddenly the person in front of us becomes “toxic.” The word is everywhere. It appears in conversations about boundaries, emotional safety, self-care. But the more we use it, the more we blur its meaning.
Not every misstep or disagreement is a sign of toxicity. People are simply imperfect, all of us. We forget, we raise our voice, we interrupt. All of us. Sometimes we don’t know how to support our partner or our kid. Sometimes we’re clumsy, or distracted, or just human. That doesn’t make us dangerous. It makes us real.
But what we often see on social media is a kind of emotional absolutism: if it’s not perfect, it is toxic. Social media quietly reshapes our expectations about what healthy relationships should look like. If someone doesn’t meet your needs immediately or intuitively, cut them off. We scroll through posts that turn everyday frustrations into red flags, and we begin to absorb that logic without realizing it.
And so we start confusing discomfort with threat. Irritation becomes emotional violation. A partner who doesn’t respond the way we want is not just tired or unsure — they’re “toxic.” A friend who says the wrong thing once is “not safe.” We stop looking at the person in front of us and start reacting to the label we’ve already assigned. And when we assign the label we don't see any more the person behind it.
Labeling makes things simple — no need to ask, no need to understand — because the conclusion is already made......
Not every misstep or disagreement is a sign of toxicity. People are simply imperfect, all of us. We forget, we raise our voice, we interrupt. All of us. Sometimes we don’t know how to support our partner or our kid. Sometimes we’re clumsy, or distracted, or just human. That doesn’t make us dangerous. It makes us real.
But what we often see on social media is a kind of emotional absolutism: if it’s not perfect, it is toxic. Social media quietly reshapes our expectations about what healthy relationships should look like. If someone doesn’t meet your needs immediately or intuitively, cut them off. We scroll through posts that turn everyday frustrations into red flags, and we begin to absorb that logic without realizing it.
And so we start confusing discomfort with threat. Irritation becomes emotional violation. A partner who doesn’t respond the way we want is not just tired or unsure — they’re “toxic.” A friend who says the wrong thing once is “not safe.” We stop looking at the person in front of us and start reacting to the label we’ve already assigned. And when we assign the label we don't see any more the person behind it.
Labeling makes things simple — no need to ask, no need to understand — because the conclusion is already made......
The boundary is for us to think about.
It’s for us to think about, and for us to know.
I often say to my clients: if you need to protect your boundaries, it usually means you don’t really have your boundaries.
True boundaries are not something you defend — they’re something you live in.
They are something you show clearly — on both verbal and nonverbal levels.
Something you don’t need anyone else to validate or approve.
You have your boundaries, and other people have theirs. And they might not match. And that’s okay.
And if we’re speaking about people we love — with whom our boundaries don’t always match — this is actually a real possibility for connection.
I’m different. You’re different. And we can still find a way to be together.
That’s a boundary too. A bridge, not a wall.
I often say to my clients: if you need to protect your boundaries, it usually means you don’t really have your boundaries.
True boundaries are not something you defend — they’re something you live in.
They are something you show clearly — on both verbal and nonverbal levels.
Something you don’t need anyone else to validate or approve.
You have your boundaries, and other people have theirs. And they might not match. And that’s okay.
And if we’re speaking about people we love — with whom our boundaries don’t always match — this is actually a real possibility for connection.
I’m different. You’re different. And we can still find a way to be together.
That’s a boundary too. A bridge, not a wall.
