Why We Keep Repeating the Same Patterns — and How to Finally Break Them
“You can do better.”
“Why only an A?”
“Try harder next time.”
Many of us heard these phrases in childhood. Nothing extreme - just the usual parental push for achievement. Most of them genuinely wanted the best for us.
But now, 20 or 30 years later - isn’t it still happening… just inside?
You finish a project and hear a quiet voice: “You could’ve done more.”
You get good feedback, but immediately think: “They probably didn’t notice the mistakes.”
You try to rest — and feel guilty for not doing more.
It’s a pattern. And most likely, it’s not even yours — you inherited it.
“Why only an A?”
“Try harder next time.”
Many of us heard these phrases in childhood. Nothing extreme - just the usual parental push for achievement. Most of them genuinely wanted the best for us.
But now, 20 or 30 years later - isn’t it still happening… just inside?
You finish a project and hear a quiet voice: “You could’ve done more.”
You get good feedback, but immediately think: “They probably didn’t notice the mistakes.”
You try to rest — and feel guilty for not doing more.
It’s a pattern. And most likely, it’s not even yours — you inherited it.
What is Repetition Compulsion?
Repetition compulsion (Wiederholungszwang in Freud’s original German) is a concept introduced by Sigmund Freud in the early 20th century. It describes a powerful and unconscious tendency to repeat earlier emotional experiences, particularly unresolved or painful ones, in new situations.
At first, Freud noticed this in trauma patients: they would find themselves re-enacting parts of their trauma in their current lives, not because they wanted to suffer, but because some part of their psyche was still trying to “work it out.”
Later, this idea expanded far beyond trauma. It became a foundational concept in psychoanalysis, and eventually in modern psychology and coaching.
At first, Freud noticed this in trauma patients: they would find themselves re-enacting parts of their trauma in their current lives, not because they wanted to suffer, but because some part of their psyche was still trying to “work it out.”
Later, this idea expanded far beyond trauma. It became a foundational concept in psychoanalysis, and eventually in modern psychology and coaching.
How Repetition Compulsion works:
We all develop emotional templates in early relationships - especially with parents or other attachment figures. These templates shape what feels “normal,” “safe,” or “expected” in relationships, even if that “normal” includes things like criticism, emotional distance, pressure to perform, or unpredictability.
Because these early dynamics often go unresolved, the brain and nervous system keep recreating similar situations - as if hoping that this time the outcome will be different.
The unconscious hope:
“Maybe this time I’ll do it right.”
“Maybe this time they’ll understand me.”
“Maybe this time I won’t be left, blamed, or invisible.”
But instead of healing, the same pattern plays out again - with a new boss, a new partner, a new situation. Different faces, same feeling. But let’s be honest - repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different result? That’s not hope. That’s a loop. And it’s exhausting.
Because these early dynamics often go unresolved, the brain and nervous system keep recreating similar situations - as if hoping that this time the outcome will be different.
The unconscious hope:
“Maybe this time I’ll do it right.”
“Maybe this time they’ll understand me.”
“Maybe this time I won’t be left, blamed, or invisible.”
But instead of healing, the same pattern plays out again - with a new boss, a new partner, a new situation. Different faces, same feeling. But let’s be honest - repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different result? That’s not hope. That’s a loop. And it’s exhausting.
Why we repeat instead of letting go:
Familiar feels safe — even when it’s painful.
The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between “good” and “bad” patterns, only between familiar and unfamiliar. That’s why people often feel drawn to the same kind of situations or dynamics again and again.
The mind is trying to resolve the past through the present.
The hope is that if we just try harder, adapt more, or choose better, this time the old wound will finally heal. But repeating the situation doesn’t heal it, it just reinforces the same loop.
The pattern operates unconsciously.
You don’t think, “I’ll repeat this painful thing again.” You just act, react, choose - and only later realize you’ve been here before.
The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between “good” and “bad” patterns, only between familiar and unfamiliar. That’s why people often feel drawn to the same kind of situations or dynamics again and again.
The mind is trying to resolve the past through the present.
The hope is that if we just try harder, adapt more, or choose better, this time the old wound will finally heal. But repeating the situation doesn’t heal it, it just reinforces the same loop.
The pattern operates unconsciously.
You don’t think, “I’ll repeat this painful thing again.” You just act, react, choose - and only later realize you’ve been here before.
The cost of repetition is quite obvious:
- Emotional exhaustion
- Burnout from overcompensating
- Repeating unhealthy relationships
- A constant sense of “not enough”
- Difficulty enjoying success or connection
- Stuckness - the feeling that no matter what you do, you end up in the same place
Why change is so difficult ?
The problem is - this pattern is not just written inside. It’s engraved. So deep that at first, it’s even hard to notice. Not to mention changing it.
In order to break the pattern, you need to see it from the outside.
To notice where you’re lying to yourself, where you still hold on to it, and where you don’t really want to let it go.
It’s not enough to understand it — you have to stop liking it and decide to change.
And then you need to live something new, not in your head, but in real life. With all the emotions that come with it - the fear, the tension, the resistance, all the negative emotions we usually try to avoid, but also the positive ones, which we sometimes try not to notice.
This is how your brain will overwrite old patterns and write a new one. Yours. Without fear and resistance.
In order to break the pattern, you need to see it from the outside.
To notice where you’re lying to yourself, where you still hold on to it, and where you don’t really want to let it go.
It’s not enough to understand it — you have to stop liking it and decide to change.
And then you need to live something new, not in your head, but in real life. With all the emotions that come with it - the fear, the tension, the resistance, all the negative emotions we usually try to avoid, but also the positive ones, which we sometimes try not to notice.
This is how your brain will overwrite old patterns and write a new one. Yours. Without fear and resistance.
Can you do it alone? Yes — with books, reflection, and time. Nothing is impossible. It just takes honesty and patience. Coaching won’t give you something you’re not able to do on your own.
But it will give you speed. Much higher speed than if you do it alone.
What to try?
Book your free call here to start the change you need
But it will give you speed. Much higher speed than if you do it alone.
What to try?
Book your free call here to start the change you need
