WHEN COUPLE THERAPY IS THE LAST HOPE
By the time most couples show up in a coach’s office, they’re quietly hating each other. This is no longer the stage for gentle nudges or communication games. It’s the moment when both are standing in the ruins of their relationship, and showing up is more about “let’s at least try something” than genuine hope.
“Best case: something changes. Worst case: at least we can separate without a war.”
At this stage, many coaches feel stuck. The usual tools — reframing, perspective shifts, communication exercises — simply don’t land. What’s needed isn’t another technique.
You need to offer something stronger: a way to help them see where they are, how they got there, and whether there’s anything left to build on.
Today, there are three powerful and respected models for working with relationships. Each gives us valuable tools — but they’re not enough on their own.
“Best case: something changes. Worst case: at least we can separate without a war.”
At this stage, many coaches feel stuck. The usual tools — reframing, perspective shifts, communication exercises — simply don’t land. What’s needed isn’t another technique.
You need to offer something stronger: a way to help them see where they are, how they got there, and whether there’s anything left to build on.
Today, there are three powerful and respected models for working with relationships. Each gives us valuable tools — but they’re not enough on their own.
1. Attachment Theory
It’s powerful because it helps us see how childhood wounds play out in adult love — the chaser, the distancer, the anxious, the avoidant.
But it often stops at explanation. Couples understand why they struggle — but they still don’t know what to do next.
But it often stops at explanation. Couples understand why they struggle — but they still don’t know what to do next.
2. Family Systems Theory
This approach teaches us to see roles, compensations, and hidden dynamics within the relationship. It’s a powerful analytical tool. But insight alone rarely changes the system.
3. Radical Responsibility
It brings the focus back to the self: What are you creating in this relationship? Stop blaming. Take responsibility for your choices.
It’s meaningful — but if there are ten years of pain and misunderstanding between you, “just take responsibility” can become yet another form of distance when no one’s guiding you through it.
It’s meaningful — but if there are ten years of pain and misunderstanding between you, “just take responsibility” can become yet another form of distance when no one’s guiding you through it.
Each of these models gives us brilliant diagnostic tools.
But none of them clearly answers the question: What exactly should people do to stay together?
And this is where the Differentiation Model offers something radically practical.
It doesn’t cancel out the others — it builds on them. It offers a developmental roadmap for relationships:
In this view, relationship is not about completing each other — it’s about standing side by side as whole people, choosing connection without losing identity.
It’s not just theory. It’s a framework for development.
But none of them clearly answers the question: What exactly should people do to stay together?
And this is where the Differentiation Model offers something radically practical.
It doesn’t cancel out the others — it builds on them. It offers a developmental roadmap for relationships:
- It shows where the couple got stuck
- It offers specific tools for progress
- And it reframes love — not as fusion, but as growth
In this view, relationship is not about completing each other — it’s about standing side by side as whole people, choosing connection without losing identity.
It’s not just theory. It’s a framework for development.