Stages of Relationship Development
These days, being married for more than ten years feels like a record. Thirty? That’s a rare kind of miracle.
It’s as if some couples know a secret the rest of us don’t.
But maybe it’s not a secret - maybe it’s a natural progression. Like a child who grows through predictable stages, relationships evolve too. And just like in child development, the way a couple goes through each stage shapes what becomes possible in the next.
During my training as a couples coach, I learned a powerful model that shows how relationships go through a series of predictable stages. Originally based on the work of Margaret Mahler and Fred Pine, and later adapted for couples by Dr. Ellyn Bader, this framework has become a key part of how I understand and support relationship growth
Let’s explore how these stages unfold in real life.
It’s as if some couples know a secret the rest of us don’t.
But maybe it’s not a secret - maybe it’s a natural progression. Like a child who grows through predictable stages, relationships evolve too. And just like in child development, the way a couple goes through each stage shapes what becomes possible in the next.
During my training as a couples coach, I learned a powerful model that shows how relationships go through a series of predictable stages. Originally based on the work of Margaret Mahler and Fred Pine, and later adapted for couples by Dr. Ellyn Bader, this framework has become a key part of how I understand and support relationship growth
Let’s explore how these stages unfold in real life.
1. The Honeymoon Stage (Symbiosis)
That blissful beginning when everything feels perfect. You're both so drawn to each other that it's easy to forget where one person ends and the other begins.
This stage is sometimes described as a kind of “temporary psychosis” - in the best sense. You fall in love, differences are blurred, similarities emphasized, and reality takes a back seat to connection. There’s an intense sense of “we,” and it feels magical.
But the closeness of this early phase is also built on fantasy. You’re seeing the best parts of each other - sometimes ignoring or minimizing anything that might challenge the harmony.
But that’s not a mistake because it serves an important purpose: building trust and connection. It creates the bond you’ll later need when things get harder and make a foundation for long-term connection.
This stage is sometimes described as a kind of “temporary psychosis” - in the best sense. You fall in love, differences are blurred, similarities emphasized, and reality takes a back seat to connection. There’s an intense sense of “we,” and it feels magical.
But the closeness of this early phase is also built on fantasy. You’re seeing the best parts of each other - sometimes ignoring or minimizing anything that might challenge the harmony.
But that’s not a mistake because it serves an important purpose: building trust and connection. It creates the bond you’ll later need when things get harder and make a foundation for long-term connection.
2. Emerging Differences (Differentiation)
Then comes the shift.
You start to notice differences - in values, habits, expectations, or needs. It can feel disorienting. Maybe you thought you agreed on everything, or maybe you hoped the differences weren’t that important.
This is when individuality resurfaces. You begin to say “I” more than “we.” The bubble of perfect harmony starts to deflate, and partners may feel disappointed, frustrated, or even threatened.
At this stage, many couples struggle. Some try to return to harmony by avoiding conflict - suppressing their own needs to keep the peace. Others push hard to prove they’re right, trying to convince their partner to come back to “how things used to be.”
But the truth is: this tension is not a failure. It's the beginning of real intimacy - if you can stay in the discomfort without attacking or withdrawing. Learning to hold your ground while respecting your partner’s point of view is one of the most valuable skills a couple can develop.
You start to notice differences - in values, habits, expectations, or needs. It can feel disorienting. Maybe you thought you agreed on everything, or maybe you hoped the differences weren’t that important.
This is when individuality resurfaces. You begin to say “I” more than “we.” The bubble of perfect harmony starts to deflate, and partners may feel disappointed, frustrated, or even threatened.
At this stage, many couples struggle. Some try to return to harmony by avoiding conflict - suppressing their own needs to keep the peace. Others push hard to prove they’re right, trying to convince their partner to come back to “how things used to be.”
But the truth is: this tension is not a failure. It's the beginning of real intimacy - if you can stay in the discomfort without attacking or withdrawing. Learning to hold your ground while respecting your partner’s point of view is one of the most valuable skills a couple can develop.
3. Freedom (Individuation)
As the relationship matures, both partners start focusing more on themselves again. You begin to reclaim parts of your identity that had been put aside in the early “we” phase. You invest more in your personal growth, your career, your friendships, your own needs and dreams. Ideally, this comes from a place of inner strength - not disconnection.
But it’s not always smooth. You might spend less time together and If one partner pulls away while the other still craves closeness, it can create a painful imbalance. If both partners disconnect at the same time, they may feel like strangers, or just roommates.
This stage isn’t about separation - it’s about learning how to be fully yourself inside a relationship. And it lays the foundation for a deeper, more honest bond.
But it’s not always smooth. You might spend less time together and If one partner pulls away while the other still craves closeness, it can create a painful imbalance. If both partners disconnect at the same time, they may feel like strangers, or just roommates.
This stage isn’t about separation - it’s about learning how to be fully yourself inside a relationship. And it lays the foundation for a deeper, more honest bond.
4. Reconnection (Rapprochement)
After all the pulling apart comes the possibility of coming back together - this time as two stronger, more grounded individuals.
This stage is about building a connection that respects both “I” and “we.” You start to feel supported, not stifled. Differences aren’t scary anymore - they’re manageable. You can say “no” to each other without it feeling like rejection. The emotional climate becomes safer.
There’s more space for intimacy, vulnerability, and sexuality to grow again - not as a return to the honeymoon, but as something deeper and more real.
This stage is about building a connection that respects both “I” and “we.” You start to feel supported, not stifled. Differences aren’t scary anymore - they’re manageable. You can say “no” to each other without it feeling like rejection. The emotional climate becomes safer.
There’s more space for intimacy, vulnerability, and sexuality to grow again - not as a return to the honeymoon, but as something deeper and more real.
5. Together as Two (Synergy)
This is the stage where something new emerges. You’re not just two individuals - and not just a merged couple. You’re a team. You’ve kept your independence, but you’ve built something shared and meaningful between you.
The relationship now has its own energy - something both partners contribute to and benefit from. There’s more freedom, but also more commitment. You may begin to focus outward again: raising children, building something together, or contributing to others.
And while no stage is “final,” this one often feels like a quiet kind of arrival.
The relationship now has its own energy - something both partners contribute to and benefit from. There’s more freedom, but also more commitment. You may begin to focus outward again: raising children, building something together, or contributing to others.
And while no stage is “final,” this one often feels like a quiet kind of arrival.
A Few Final Words
Each stage comes with its own challenges and opportunities. They don’t always unfold in a straight line. Some couples get stuck. Some loop back. And some grow unevenly, which brings its own tension.
But here’s the good news: understanding these stages can help you normalize the struggle, reduce blame, and approach your relationship with more compassion - for yourself and your partner.
Love isn’t just something that happens. It’s something we build, re-build, and keep choosing, again and again.
Continue reading: "Honeymoon Stage - When Love Feels Like a Fairytale"
But here’s the good news: understanding these stages can help you normalize the struggle, reduce blame, and approach your relationship with more compassion - for yourself and your partner.
Love isn’t just something that happens. It’s something we build, re-build, and keep choosing, again and again.
Continue reading: "Honeymoon Stage - When Love Feels Like a Fairytale"
