The Dark Side of the Honeymoon. Part 1

At the start of a relationship, everything feels magical. But what happens when the honeymoon glow begins to fade? Dr. Ellyn Bader, Creator of The Developmental Model, calls this the Dark Side of the Honeymoon—a stage where couples cling to the illusion of perfection to avoid difficult truths.

We have already learned about problems we meet during honey moon stage, mostly unintentional lies to keep the “paradise” blooming, and in my next posts I will speak about dark side of honeymoon stage, when happiness doesn’t feel any more “like it should be”.

Some people never truly leave the Honeymoon Stage. Many couples pour emotional energy into holding on to an ideal moment that’s already slipped away. Others avoid conflict, minimizing or ignoring differences, often resorting to lies or withholding the truth to keep the peace.

They tell themselves, “If we just keep things smooth, everything will be fine.” But deep down, something feels off. The fear of losing the “perfect relationship” becomes stronger than the connection itself. “Fear stronger than connection” – doesn’t sound good at all, right?

This phase is marked by:

• Avoiding tough conversations out of fear of what they might reveal.
• Pretending everything is fine, even when it’s not.
• Silences that feel more awkward than comforting.
• A growing distance that’s hard to name but impossible to ignore.

At its core, this struggle stems from terror—the fear of being seen as flawed or discovering your partner isn’t as perfect as you’d hoped. Beneath it all lies a universal anxiety: the desire to be loved and the fear of being alone.

But not every couple stays stuck here. Those who face their fears and choose honesty can break free and allow their relationship to evolve. It’s uncomfortable, even scary—but the reward? A deeper, more authentic connection.

On the outside, they look like the perfect couple—no arguments, no drama, always in sync. But behind the scenes, things can be very different.

How can you tell if you’ve slipped into the Dark Side of the Honeymoon? Often, it starts with an undefinable dissatisfaction, like wearing clothes that don’t quite fit. Everything looks fine, but something feels...off.

Here are some subtle signs:

• You obsess over things you want to say, but it never seems like the right time.
• Intimacy becomes less frequent or less fulfilling.
• You let your partner’s lack of interest stop you from sharing what matters to you.
• You confide in friends about things you wish you could tell your partner.
• You feel more alone than connected, even when everything “seems fine.”
• Silences feel long and awkward instead of comforting.

Ironically, couples in this phase are often seen as “perfect” by others. They rarely fight. They seem to agree on everything. But beneath the surface, waves of discontentment quietly build, unseen by the outside world.

For instance, take Anna and Alex. They were always the couple their friends admired for their harmony. But Alex started avoiding the topic of career changes because Anna seemed uncomfortable whenever he brought it up. Meanwhile, Anna hesitated to mention her longing for more quality time together, afraid of adding pressure. Both wanted to protect the peace, but their silence left them feeling more distant than close.

The truth is, these struggles don’t make a relationship weak. They’re an opportunity for growth. Facing them with honesty can pave the way for a deeper, more meaningful connection.

In relationships, it’s tempting to believe that fewer disagreements mean a stronger bond.

After all, less conflict means fewer hurt feelings, right?

Conflict avoidance may feel like the safe route—it keeps the peace, maintains the status quo, and spares both partners from discomfort. But the longer you avoid the truth, the more those unspoken tensions grow.

It starts small:

• You ignore the overzealous flirting.
• You brush aside the hurtful comment.
• You avoid addressing a lingering issue, convincing yourself it’s “not worth the fight.”

These little moments add up. The truths you avoid become the invisible weight in your relationship—like an undetonated grenade you both tiptoe around. And the longer you avoid addressing them, the more the fear of conflict grows, creating a cycle:

The less you share, the more your partner assumes. The more they assume, the harder it becomes to speak openly.

Fears about telling the truth tend to spiral. You may think, If I stay quiet, I won’t have to face the discomfort. But over time, the stakes get higher. You begin to realize, If I speak up now, it will feel like opening an even bigger can of worms.

Breaking the silence is not about arguing more; it’s about learning to communicate honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable. Speaking up takes courage, but the reward is a relationship built on authenticity and trust—not illusions and tiptoes.