“I Just Want My Partner to Understand Me” - it’s one of the most common things I hear in sessions with couples.
And who wouldn't want that?
You express yourself, your partner really gets it—and you feel seen.
Your partner shares something vulnerable, you receive it with openness—and they feel heard and loved.
But the reality is, it doesn’t always go that way.
In my work, I see many reasons why couples feel misunderstood—or why one or both partners feel like true understanding is missing from their relationship.
And I’ve also seen something else: a surprisingly simple shift that can change everything.
Let’s take a look at this familiar kind of exchange:
Partner A: What you just said felt offensive to me.
Partner B: Offensive?? You’re way too sensitive. I can’t say anything without you overreacting
At that moment, both partners are likely to feel misunderstood, invalidated, and alone.
It’s a conversation going nowhere—fast.
We think we’re aiming for understanding, but often we’re aiming to win.
We want our version of reality to be accepted, validated, confirmed.
And when our partner doesn’t agree, it feels like they’re rejecting us.
But there’s a mindset that changes the dynamic entirely:
You don’t have to agree with your partner to understand them.
Let that sink in.
You and your partner are two different people. You’ll have different opinions, memories, and emotional experiences. That’s normal. The problem isn’t the difference—it’s how we respond to the difference.
Often, couples get stuck in two loops:
Neither leads to understanding.
Now imagine this version of the same conversation:
Partner A: What you just said felt offensive to me.
Partner B: Oh? That wasn’t my intention. What made it feel that way?
No one is “right” or “wrong.”
No one is defending or collapsing.
They’re just… listening. And holding space for each other’s reality.
That’s the shift.
It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says. Real understanding means staying present with your own perspective and making space for your partner’s—even when you don’t agree.
It takes skill. It takes effort. And it takes a willingness to grow. And when it does—something beautiful unfolds.
Not perfect harmony. Not constant agreement. But something better: a relationship where both people feel safe being fully themselves, even in the messiness.
That’s the kind of understanding most of us are really longing for.
And who wouldn't want that?
You express yourself, your partner really gets it—and you feel seen.
Your partner shares something vulnerable, you receive it with openness—and they feel heard and loved.
But the reality is, it doesn’t always go that way.
In my work, I see many reasons why couples feel misunderstood—or why one or both partners feel like true understanding is missing from their relationship.
And I’ve also seen something else: a surprisingly simple shift that can change everything.
Let’s take a look at this familiar kind of exchange:
Partner A: What you just said felt offensive to me.
Partner B: Offensive?? You’re way too sensitive. I can’t say anything without you overreacting
At that moment, both partners are likely to feel misunderstood, invalidated, and alone.
It’s a conversation going nowhere—fast.
We think we’re aiming for understanding, but often we’re aiming to win.
We want our version of reality to be accepted, validated, confirmed.
And when our partner doesn’t agree, it feels like they’re rejecting us.
But there’s a mindset that changes the dynamic entirely:
You don’t have to agree with your partner to understand them.
Let that sink in.
You and your partner are two different people. You’ll have different opinions, memories, and emotional experiences. That’s normal. The problem isn’t the difference—it’s how we respond to the difference.
Often, couples get stuck in two loops:
- Trying to convince the other person that their version of the story is wrong.
- Or giving in just to avoid another fight—while quietly building resentment.
Neither leads to understanding.
Now imagine this version of the same conversation:
Partner A: What you just said felt offensive to me.
Partner B: Oh? That wasn’t my intention. What made it feel that way?
No one is “right” or “wrong.”
No one is defending or collapsing.
They’re just… listening. And holding space for each other’s reality.
That’s the shift.
It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says. Real understanding means staying present with your own perspective and making space for your partner’s—even when you don’t agree.
It takes skill. It takes effort. And it takes a willingness to grow. And when it does—something beautiful unfolds.
Not perfect harmony. Not constant agreement. But something better: a relationship where both people feel safe being fully themselves, even in the messiness.
That’s the kind of understanding most of us are really longing for.
