THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF RELATIONSHIPS
In the Bible, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse symbolize destruction and the end of times — war, death, famine, and conquest. Relationships have their own Four Horsemen too.
Dr. John Gottman — one of the world’s leading researchers on relationships — identified four patterns of communication that, if left unchecked, strongly predict the breakdown of a couple. His studies have shown that the presence of these behaviors can predict divorce with up to 90% accuracy — more reliably than issues like money or parenting disagreements.
We see these patterns every day, and they appear in almost every relationship during difficult moments. The real danger is when they stop being occasional visitors and become a consistent style of communication. When that happens, they slowly erode trust, warmth, and connection.
As you read about them, try to focus on your own behavior. We’ve become so used to spotting red flags in our partners that we often forget to notice our own. But this is where the first change begins.
Dr. John Gottman — one of the world’s leading researchers on relationships — identified four patterns of communication that, if left unchecked, strongly predict the breakdown of a couple. His studies have shown that the presence of these behaviors can predict divorce with up to 90% accuracy — more reliably than issues like money or parenting disagreements.
We see these patterns every day, and they appear in almost every relationship during difficult moments. The real danger is when they stop being occasional visitors and become a consistent style of communication. When that happens, they slowly erode trust, warmth, and connection.
As you read about them, try to focus on your own behavior. We’ve become so used to spotting red flags in our partners that we often forget to notice our own. But this is where the first change begins.
1. CRITICISM
Criticism is more than pointing out what’s wrong. It’s about how you do it — and who you're really talking about.
There’s a big difference between a complaint and a criticism.
A complaint is unpleasant, but it stays factual and impersonal:
“The trash wasn’t taken out this morning.” It names the situation — not the person.
Or, if there was an agreement that your partner would do it, even “You forgot the trash this morning” can still be a complaint — because it’s about the action, not their character.
Criticism crosses the line: “You never do anything around the house.”
And even worse: “You never think about anyone but yourself.”
It shifts from behavior to identity — turning frustration into blame, and a moment into a story about who your partner is.
We often turn to criticism when we feel unheard, when needs pile up unspoken, or when we’ve been carrying resentment too long. And while it may seem like the only way to get attention, it usually triggers defensiveness — and creates more distance.
There’s a big difference between a complaint and a criticism.
A complaint is unpleasant, but it stays factual and impersonal:
“The trash wasn’t taken out this morning.” It names the situation — not the person.
Or, if there was an agreement that your partner would do it, even “You forgot the trash this morning” can still be a complaint — because it’s about the action, not their character.
Criticism crosses the line: “You never do anything around the house.”
And even worse: “You never think about anyone but yourself.”
It shifts from behavior to identity — turning frustration into blame, and a moment into a story about who your partner is.
We often turn to criticism when we feel unheard, when needs pile up unspoken, or when we’ve been carrying resentment too long. And while it may seem like the only way to get attention, it usually triggers defensiveness — and creates more distance.
2. DEFENSIVENESS
Defensiveness is what we do when we feel blamed — whether or not the blame is real. It’s a way of protecting ourselves, but it usually shuts down real communication.
Sometimes it sounds like: “Well, maybe I forgot, but you didn’t remind me either.”
Or: “You think I’m not helping? You’re the one who’s always on the phone.”
We can even get defensive in response to simple questions like “When will you be back from cycling?” or “What are your plans for the weekend?”
When we feel unjustly accused, we deny responsibility, make excuses, or act like the innocent victim — hoping our partner will back off. Defensiveness is just another way of saying, “This isn’t my fault.”
It shifts the focus away from the issue and puts the blame back on your partner — for asking, for expecting, for bringing it up at all. And that never leads to more connection.
Sometimes it sounds like: “Well, maybe I forgot, but you didn’t remind me either.”
Or: “You think I’m not helping? You’re the one who’s always on the phone.”
We can even get defensive in response to simple questions like “When will you be back from cycling?” or “What are your plans for the weekend?”
When we feel unjustly accused, we deny responsibility, make excuses, or act like the innocent victim — hoping our partner will back off. Defensiveness is just another way of saying, “This isn’t my fault.”
It shifts the focus away from the issue and puts the blame back on your partner — for asking, for expecting, for bringing it up at all. And that never leads to more connection.
3. CONTEMPT
Contempt is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen. It’s not just frustration or disagreement — it’s a sense of moral superiority. It says: “I’m better than you.”
You can hear it in sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or a tone that drips with disrespect. It often comes with an eye-roll, a smirk, or a long, dramatic sigh.
“Oh wow, congratulations on doing the bare minimum.”
“Of course you don’t get it — you never do.”
Contempt shows up when resentment has been sitting too long, unspoken or unprocessed. When small frustrations haven’t been addressed, they pile up — and start leaking out as disgust or ridicule.
Contempt makes the other person feel despised and worthless.
But contempt doesn’t just hurt feelings. Research shows it’s the single biggest predictor of divorce. Because it doesn’t say “I don’t like what you did” — it says “I don’t respect who you are.”
And when respect is gone, connection has nowhere to land.
You can hear it in sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or a tone that drips with disrespect. It often comes with an eye-roll, a smirk, or a long, dramatic sigh.
“Oh wow, congratulations on doing the bare minimum.”
“Of course you don’t get it — you never do.”
Contempt shows up when resentment has been sitting too long, unspoken or unprocessed. When small frustrations haven’t been addressed, they pile up — and start leaking out as disgust or ridicule.
Contempt makes the other person feel despised and worthless.
But contempt doesn’t just hurt feelings. Research shows it’s the single biggest predictor of divorce. Because it doesn’t say “I don’t like what you did” — it says “I don’t respect who you are.”
And when respect is gone, connection has nowhere to land.
4. STONEWALLING
The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt.
It happens when one person withdraws from the interaction — shuts down, stops responding, and tunes out. On the surface, it might look like calm, but inside, that person is often feeling emotionally overwhelmed or flooded.
Stonewalling isn’t the same as taking a break to cool down. It’s when someone completely checks out — staring at the floor, avoiding eye contact, walking away, or simply going silent.
It often develops as a coping strategy: when conflict feels too intense or hopeless, silence feels safer. But to the partner on the other side, it can feel like indifference or rejection.
Over time, stonewalling turns from a temporary reaction into a pattern of emotional withdrawal. And when one partner stops showing up in the conversation, connection slowly fades.
It happens when one person withdraws from the interaction — shuts down, stops responding, and tunes out. On the surface, it might look like calm, but inside, that person is often feeling emotionally overwhelmed or flooded.
Stonewalling isn’t the same as taking a break to cool down. It’s when someone completely checks out — staring at the floor, avoiding eye contact, walking away, or simply going silent.
It often develops as a coping strategy: when conflict feels too intense or hopeless, silence feels safer. But to the partner on the other side, it can feel like indifference or rejection.
Over time, stonewalling turns from a temporary reaction into a pattern of emotional withdrawal. And when one partner stops showing up in the conversation, connection slowly fades.
WHY IT MATTERS
Dr. John Gottman’s prediction of divorce with over 90% accuracy is not just a bold claim — it’s based on decades of research.
In what became known as the “Love Lab”, Gottman and his team observed couples discussing a conflict for just 15 minutes. While they talked, the researchers tracked everything: words, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, even heart rate and blood pressure. Then, they followed those couples for years.
What they found was striking: the presence of the Four Horsemen — especially contempt — was a stronger predictor of divorce than issues like money, sex, or parenting. It turns out, it’s not what we fight about. It’s how we treat each other when we’re in conflict. And this “how” is often quiet, habitual, and invisible until it’s too late.
But if we learn to recognize these signs — especially in ourselves — we can interrupt the pattern. Awareness alone won’t solve everything. But it gives us a chance to choose something different.
In what became known as the “Love Lab”, Gottman and his team observed couples discussing a conflict for just 15 minutes. While they talked, the researchers tracked everything: words, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, even heart rate and blood pressure. Then, they followed those couples for years.
What they found was striking: the presence of the Four Horsemen — especially contempt — was a stronger predictor of divorce than issues like money, sex, or parenting. It turns out, it’s not what we fight about. It’s how we treat each other when we’re in conflict. And this “how” is often quiet, habitual, and invisible until it’s too late.
But if we learn to recognize these signs — especially in ourselves — we can interrupt the pattern. Awareness alone won’t solve everything. But it gives us a chance to choose something different.
