3 Stages of Relationship Development
I’ve always been curious about what makes relationships work and why some last longer than others. One theory that caught my eye is that relationships go through three main stages. This idea was developed by Drs. Margaret Mahler and Fred Pine, and later adapted for couples by Dr. Ellyn Bader. Let’s break down these stages and see how they play out in real life.
1. The Honeymoon Phase (or "The Best of You") When couples first meet, they are two different people with their own likes, dislikes, fantasies, and dreams. But remember when you just fell in love and everything seemed perfect, like your partner was your 100% match? This is the honeymoon phase, where you and your partner are totally into each other, often showing only your best parts and hiding “the rest.” You spend all your time together, and it feels like you’re in your own little world. This stage is all about forming a deep connection and enjoying each other’s company.
2. Separation and Individuation (or "The Worst of You") This is the stage where partners start expressing their own thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires, which can often lead to discomfort. This is the part of your partner you didn’t see in phase 1. Often, we feel like our partner has changed, or we feel cheated because it’s not what we expected for our “happy future.” This is when you might hear things like, “I miss how he used to make me feel special.” If couples don’t break up during this challenging time, they often start focusing more on their individual development, seeking self-esteem outside the relationship.
This is where coaching can be most helpful, supporting not just self-development but also helping to keep the relationship intact. As couples continue to grow, they begin to see the importance of both independence and the relationship itself. They place a deeper value on the “we” without overshadowing the “I.” Successfully navigating this tough stage can lead to the final stage, although not all couples make it this far.
3. Synergy: Creating a Powerful "We" In the final stage, your relationship becomes a strong, unified team. You support each other through everything and work towards common goals. This is where 1 + 1 becomes 11. You celebrate each other’s successes and face challenges together. Couples who manage to reach this stage start to understand and sometimes even love the “worst parts” of each other. You work as a team and create a mutual vision of the future. At this stage, you fully trust each other and this is most likely what is called real love.
Understanding these stages can help you navigate your relationship journey more effectively. Recognize where you are and take steps to move forward together. By embracing each stage, you can build a stronger, healthier relationship over time.
Ok, we all see that the second stage is the most difficult, and this is where most couples struggle and sometimes can’t make it through. Do you want to understand why? Let’s figure it out together.
But first, we need to look at something that might not seem directly related to relationships at all—but trust me, it is. Let’s talk about how we develop as individuals from the very beginning.
Margaret Mahler’s Theory of Child Development
Margaret Mahler, a renowned psychoanalyst, studied how we grow from completely dependent infants into independent, self-aware individuals while maintaining emotional connections to others. Her Separation-Individuation Theory outlines six stages of early childhood development, each shaping how we navigate relationships later in life.
Here’s a quick look at the stages and why they matter:
1️⃣ Autistic Stage (0–2 months)
At first, babies are inwardly focused, reacting mostly to their biological needs. The outside world barely registers, and they rely entirely on their caregiver for survival.
2️⃣ Symbiosis (2–5 months)
This stage is all about deep connection. The baby sees the caregiver (usually the mother) as an extension of themselves. Their sense of safety and trust begins to develop here, rooted in the caregiver’s consistent presence and care.
3️⃣ Differentiation (5–10 months)
Babies start realizing, “I’m not my mom!” They explore their environment with curiosity while staying emotionally tethered to their caregiver. This marks the beginning of independence.
4️⃣ Practicing Stage (10–16 months)
Now comes the thrill of mobility—crawling, walking, and exploring the world. This stage is full of confidence and excitement, but the caregiver remains a crucial safety net.
5️⃣ Rapprochement (16–24 months)
Here’s where things get tricky. Toddlers begin to seek independence but also crave reassurance. It’s a push-and-pull dynamic: “I want to do it myself, but I still need you.” This stage mirrors the challenges we face in adult relationships, balancing independence with connection.
6️⃣ Object Constancy (24–36 months)
Finally, children develop a stable sense of self and an enduring emotional bond with their caregiver. They learn that love and connection remain even in the caregiver’s absence.
Why Does This Matter for Relationships?
These early stages set the foundation for how we connect with others as adults. For example:
Understanding these developmental stages helps us see that the way we connect today often mirrors how we first learned to connect as children. The unresolved challenges from these stages can resurface in our adult relationships—especially during that tricky second stage where couples struggle with individuation and autonomy.
But first, we need to look at something that might not seem directly related to relationships at all—but trust me, it is. Let’s talk about how we develop as individuals from the very beginning.
Margaret Mahler’s Theory of Child Development
Margaret Mahler, a renowned psychoanalyst, studied how we grow from completely dependent infants into independent, self-aware individuals while maintaining emotional connections to others. Her Separation-Individuation Theory outlines six stages of early childhood development, each shaping how we navigate relationships later in life.
Here’s a quick look at the stages and why they matter:
1️⃣ Autistic Stage (0–2 months)
At first, babies are inwardly focused, reacting mostly to their biological needs. The outside world barely registers, and they rely entirely on their caregiver for survival.
2️⃣ Symbiosis (2–5 months)
This stage is all about deep connection. The baby sees the caregiver (usually the mother) as an extension of themselves. Their sense of safety and trust begins to develop here, rooted in the caregiver’s consistent presence and care.
3️⃣ Differentiation (5–10 months)
Babies start realizing, “I’m not my mom!” They explore their environment with curiosity while staying emotionally tethered to their caregiver. This marks the beginning of independence.
4️⃣ Practicing Stage (10–16 months)
Now comes the thrill of mobility—crawling, walking, and exploring the world. This stage is full of confidence and excitement, but the caregiver remains a crucial safety net.
5️⃣ Rapprochement (16–24 months)
Here’s where things get tricky. Toddlers begin to seek independence but also crave reassurance. It’s a push-and-pull dynamic: “I want to do it myself, but I still need you.” This stage mirrors the challenges we face in adult relationships, balancing independence with connection.
6️⃣ Object Constancy (24–36 months)
Finally, children develop a stable sense of self and an enduring emotional bond with their caregiver. They learn that love and connection remain even in the caregiver’s absence.
Why Does This Matter for Relationships?
These early stages set the foundation for how we connect with others as adults. For example:
- Struggles during Rapprochement might explain why independence feels like a threat in relationships.
- A weak sense of Object Constancy could make someone overly dependent on constant validation.
Understanding these developmental stages helps us see that the way we connect today often mirrors how we first learned to connect as children. The unresolved challenges from these stages can resurface in our adult relationships—especially during that tricky second stage where couples struggle with individuation and autonomy.