The topic of bullying is currently highly publicized, with the main focus on addressing bullying in social environments, such as in schools. However, few people discuss this issue on a global scale, including bullying in the family environment.
Bullying is physical or emotional violence and harassment. We are indeed used to the idea that this harassment happens somewhere outside the home, most often in schools or college. Nowadays, this issue is also receiving considerable attention at the state level because the number of suicide attempts among children has increased.
Bullying is truly terrifying, and a child who finds themselves in a bullying situation always gets traumatized.
There are 4 signs of bullying that are important to track because situations can vary:
How is bullying organized in a social environment? There is the Victim various people who harass this victim:
The Victim may have Defenders and potential defenders who could theoretically defend but are not doing so yet. Remember, a child in a bullying situation IS NOT ABLE defend himself.
In any bullying scenario, a child experiences 3 emotional components of trauma:
When these three components combine at the same time, striking simultaneously, the child becomes traumatized. The situation worsens significantly due to factors like:
It is important to understand that any bullying situation is traumatic for a child and cannot be resolved without a supportive side. Ideally, parents should protect the child, but we face 3 main problems:
All these actions below traumatize the child (not just upsets them), if done regularly:
Most of these points are integrated into the system of establishing boundaries and relationships with children. Here are 5 key rules for setting boundaries with a child:
There's a significant difference between punishment/guidance and humiliation. We often think that we need to not just punish but make it more painful so that it’s better remembered. In punishment in the form of guidance or restrictions, there is warning, logic, calmness, and consequence. That is, when the child is initially warned, when the punishment is logical and straightforward. In humiliation, there is surprise, emotion, inconsistency, insult, pressure, and personal attacks. Humiliation leaves pain, while guidance leaves understanding.
Building relationships with children is a complex process. In my work with clients, I see so many childhood traumas that prevent people from being happy and moving towards their goals and desires. I truly hope that this article will help someone look at their relationship with their child from a different perspective and avoid trauma where it's possible to do so. I'm always happy to help you see this possibility, even during the initial free diagnostic meeting, you can see not only why there are problems in your relationships with children but also how to change them.
Bullying is physical or emotional violence and harassment. We are indeed used to the idea that this harassment happens somewhere outside the home, most often in schools or college. Nowadays, this issue is also receiving considerable attention at the state level because the number of suicide attempts among children has increased.
Bullying is truly terrifying, and a child who finds themselves in a bullying situation always gets traumatized.
There are 4 signs of bullying that are important to track because situations can vary:
- Aggression. directed towards the child. It's violence that harms the child, and the aggression can be either overt or covert, physical or emotional, verbal or non-verbal.
- Regularity. This isn't a one-time incident, like a child fighting with someone. It’s when the child is repeatedly hurt and made to feel bad.
- Power Imbalance. In bullying, the aggressor usually has some form of power or strength - an unofficial class leader, the director’s son, friends with older kids.
- Intentionality. The primary goal of bullying is to intimidate the victim and cause them harm, regardless of the means.
How is bullying organized in a social environment? There is the Victim various people who harass this victim:
- The bullies
- Their followers
- The approvers
- Passive approvers
- Indifferent witnesses
The Victim may have Defenders and potential defenders who could theoretically defend but are not doing so yet. Remember, a child in a bullying situation IS NOT ABLE defend himself.
In any bullying scenario, a child experiences 3 emotional components of trauma:
- Powerlessness (hopelessness) - everyone is against me, and I can't do anything about it.
- Helplessness (loneliness)
- Intense emotional shock
When these three components combine at the same time, striking simultaneously, the child becomes traumatized. The situation worsens significantly due to factors like:
- Unexpectedness
- Regularity
- Early age
- Intensity of the impact
It is important to understand that any bullying situation is traumatic for a child and cannot be resolved without a supportive side. Ideally, parents should protect the child, but we face 3 main problems:
- Parents do not know HOW to protect their children. For various reasons - they weren't taught themselves, they weren't protected themselves when they were kids, they have different beliefs, shame, etc.
- Teachers join in the bullying. "Well, everyone gets along with each other. Your daughter is just too sensitive, so she feels like everyone is picking on her."
- Bullying is the environment in which the child grows up. Parents themselves bully the child. Unfortunately, this often goes unnoticed or ignored. It is invisible from the outside, and this is what makes it frightening, especially when the parent, who should protect, becomes the one who attacks the child, directing aggression towards him. The child automatically loses his primary and potential defenders.
All these actions below traumatize the child (not just upsets them), if done regularly:
- Indifference. It can manifest in many different forms: the child tells you something but your are stuck in your phone; the child asks for help, and you say "Figure it out yourself, you're not a baby"; the child calls you to show something important, but you're too busy. It seems like you're not doing anything wrong, but indifference is one of the most traumatizing reactions in childhood (and perhaps not just in childhood).
- Ignoring. This is about the "I'm upset with you" scenario: the child does something, the parent gets upset and stops talking to them. This is one of the most frightening punishments for a child because when the adult, who should be a support, starts ignoring them, what does the child feel? - "I'm not seen, I'm not loved." At such times, the child would prefer the parent to yell or even hit him, just not longer be ignored. Sadly, we often bring these strategies into our future families, affecting our children and spouses.
- Any form of emotional abuse - yelling, threats, cruelty
- Unjust punishment. Injustice can be expressed in the form of the punishment (no connection to the wrongdoing or not what was warned) or in its severity
- Devaluation and comparison. Comparison can be with yourself (yesterday you did well, today you didn’t) or with others. Devaluing the results of actions, as well as devaluing feelings and emotions.
- Betrayal and deceit
- Parents' unwillingness to admit their mistakes.
Most of these points are integrated into the system of establishing boundaries and relationships with children. Here are 5 key rules for setting boundaries with a child:
- A boundary does not equal punishment or prohibition.
- The foundation of boundaries with children is RULES that are simple and understandable.
- Boundaries are a BALANCE of punishments and rewards.
- Consistency and predictability, where rules are enforced consistently, not just when it's convenient
- Consideration of the child's age-specific characteristics.
There's a significant difference between punishment/guidance and humiliation. We often think that we need to not just punish but make it more painful so that it’s better remembered. In punishment in the form of guidance or restrictions, there is warning, logic, calmness, and consequence. That is, when the child is initially warned, when the punishment is logical and straightforward. In humiliation, there is surprise, emotion, inconsistency, insult, pressure, and personal attacks. Humiliation leaves pain, while guidance leaves understanding.
Building relationships with children is a complex process. In my work with clients, I see so many childhood traumas that prevent people from being happy and moving towards their goals and desires. I truly hope that this article will help someone look at their relationship with their child from a different perspective and avoid trauma where it's possible to do so. I'm always happy to help you see this possibility, even during the initial free diagnostic meeting, you can see not only why there are problems in your relationships with children but also how to change them.