The main illusion of the Honeymoon Stage revolves around one big idea: “We are just the same” or “We are perfectly compatible.” Both partners want this to be true, so any little self-deception or partner deception has a truly willing audience. Let’s look at them one by one
Yes Lie
A common Honeymoon Stage deception is what we call the “Yes Lie.” It happens when one partner agrees to something quickly, without fully thinking about what they’re committing to. It’s not about being dishonest—it’s about wanting to connect and avoid conflict. After all, in the excitement of new love, who has time for a full risk-benefit analysis of every little agreement?
Take Lisa, for example. Early in her relationship with Alex, he invited her to watch a football game over the weekend. Lisa wasn’t a fan of football, but she smiled and said, “Sure, that sounds fun!” She didn’t want to seem uninterested or spoil the moment.
The first game was okay—she enjoyed spending time together and even found the energy of the fans exciting. But then came the next weekend, and another invitation to a motorbike race. Again, Lisa said yes. Soon, her weekends were filled with sports events she didn’t care for, and she started missing her usual slow mornings with coffee and books.
Lisa’s “Yes Lie” wasn’t malicious. She genuinely wanted to spend time with Alex and make him happy. But over time, these small, unspoken truths created tension. She began to resent the weekends that didn’t feel like hers anymore, and Alex couldn’t understand why she wasn’t as excited as she used to be.
“Yes Lies” like this might seem small at first, but over time, they can lead to frustration. What starts as a harmless way to avoid conflict can grow into resentment and unmet expectations.
Yes Lies often start small and harmless, but over time, they can create real frustration. What seems like a minor compromise in the moment can grow into resentment and unmet expectations.
In the Honeymoon Stage, Yes Lies are especially common because both partners are eager to please and avoid conflict. But without honesty, these small agreements can snowball into misunderstandings that are harder to untangle later.
Gray Lies: When We Blur the Truth
Who hasn’t, in the early days of a relationship, hidden or glossed over parts of themselves? You’re not outright lying, but you’re not sharing the full story either. These “gray lies” come from a desire to impress your partner or avoid rocking the boat too soon.
Common areas for such subtle fibs, fronts, and evasions are habits, psychological style and differences of opinion.
Maybe you say, “I’m great with money,” when deep down, budgeting has always been a challenge. Or you nod along when your partner shares their political views, even though yours are different or say “I’ll enjoy this adventurous lifestyle eventually.”
The reason these fall into a gray area is that they feel true at the time. You might think, “All is good, we never quarrel, so my dislike for conflict won’t matter.” Or, “My love for city life isn’t relevant right now.” But as time goes on, these small misrepresentations can create gaps between who you are and what your partner thinks you are.
It’s not about being dishonest; it’s about wanting to fit the ideal picture of a perfect partner. But these subtle evasions can lead to misunderstandings down the line, especially when the truth starts to surface.
Fooling Yourself
During the Honeymoon Stage, we often fool ourselves just as much as we try to impress our partner. It’s not intentional—we simply want to hold on to the magic of the relationship. So, we downplay differences, ignore red flags, and tell ourselves little lies to keep everything feeling perfect.
Some common self-deceptions sound like this:
Habits: “He leaves his socks everywhere, but it’s not a big deal.”
Psychological Style: “He gets moody sometimes, but who doesn’t?”
Differences of Opinion: “He doesn’t think women with children should work, but my mom didn’t have a career, and she was fine.”
We also convince ourselves of change:
“He’s not ambitious now, but with the right job, everything will fall into place.”
“My past relationships broke over jealousy, but he’d never make me feel that way.”
And then there are the “classic lies” we tell ourselves:
I Don’t Mind: “I don’t mind if he spends every Friday night out with his friends—it’s important to him.”
It’s Not His Fault: “He’s not close with his family, but they just don’t understand him.”
I Think It’s Sweet: “He interrupts me sometimes, but it’s just because he’s so excited to share his thoughts.”
I Can Change Him: “He fought with his ex-wife a lot, but he’ll never be like that with me.”
That’s Not the Real Him: “He acted arrogant at dinner, but that’s not who he really is.”
These little lies might feel harmless in the moment—they even help preserve the idea of perfect harmony. But over time, they can lead to misunderstandings and unmet expectations.
Five-Alarm Lies: The Biggest Risk in the Honeymoon Phase
Some lies during the Honeymoon Stage are small and relatively harmless, often driven by good intentions. These little deceptions usually come from a desire to show your best side or avoid scaring off your partner. But then there are Five-Alarm Lies—calculated deceptions where someone misrepresents themselves to win over or keep their partner.
These lies might include hiding something significant, like a personal history, financial situation, or even age. For example:
Someone may downplay or hide a past addiction, fearing their partner would walk away if they knew.
Another might exaggerate their career success or future plans to impress their partner, only for the truth to surface later.
Misrepresenting personal details, like education or financial stability, to appear more compatible or desirable.
Unlike small fibs, these lies are deliberate and high-stakes. They often stem from the fear that revealing the truth would lead to rejection. While the intention may not be malicious, the damage caused by such deception can be profound. Trust, once broken, is incredibly hard to rebuild.
The problem with Five-Alarm Lies? They’re unsustainable. Eventually, the truth comes out, and the damage to trust can be irreparable.