Why do some women not leave those who abuse them? Often I hear these questions for women who have experienced domestic violence. Let me try to explain👇
It doesn't matter whether we are talking about psychological, physical or sexual violence. It is often mixed. Any kind of violence is first preceded by psychological violence.
- At first it was sort of joking if I was late at work - one of woman recalls, and then - long exhausting conversations - trying to tell me that I must have a lover if I was 15 minutes late.
Over time, the violence becomes more intense, the victim's self-esteem can be destroyed in various ways. "You're a bad wife, you can't cook." "You're a bad wife, the house is a mess." "I wouldn't yell at you if you were normal." Often people wonder: "Why didn't she leave sooner?". Because it wasn't so bad before. The line between bad and good gets blurred BIT BY BIT. It's important! It's like putting a little bit of hot water in a fish aquarium. Just a little bit - wait, they get used to it. They won't die immediately...
In addition, the victim's psyche often builds defenses and justifications. For example, rationalization: "He is a decent man, he is respected by his colleagues, he loves me, he just has problems at work and he takes it out on me". And the worst thing is that the violence goes in circles.
The "cycle of violence" was described by American psychologist Lenore Walker in 1979, based on her experience of what happens in a family. The main condition for the existence of this cycle is the involvement of both the aggressor and the victim, that is, one attacks, and the other allows him to do it. And if the cycle is not broken, it will become stronger and stronger with each turn.
The first phase “Tension building” is characterized by emotional tension, outbursts of anger and insults and can last up to several months. As a rule, the victim is still calm, justifies his partner, looking for some external reason for unusually aggressive behavior (fatigue, stress, problems at work).
The second phase “Explosion” is the phase of acute violence (the fact of violence). The shortest phase, characterized by maximum emotional tension, outbursts of rage, destructive actions, which are already becoming obvious to the victim and to the aggressor himself.
The third phase is reconciliation and "Honeymoon". Sobering up of the aggressor, demonstration of remorse and emphasized manifestation of care and love, an attempt to put the victim's vigilance to sleep and keep her in the relationship. At this stage, the victim is confident that the romantic relationship will forever remain in this phase, the hope is growing that the partner will change and the violence will not happen again.
But according to the theory, the cycle of violence will repeat itself over and over again. And over time, the third phase stops coming at all, and the woman finds herself "stuck" between the two phases - the rising tension and the incident of violence.
For a long time Walker's cycle of abuse theory was regarded as a revolutionary and important concept in the study of abuse and interpersonal violence. The cycle model contributed to understanding domestic violence, in part because it refuted several myths that were widely believed at the time. Additionally, the “cycle of violence” theory also began the process of shifting the “ownership” of the violence from the victim to the partner who uses violence. Even the past 40 years have expanded evidence and diverse survivor voices and experiences, along with recognition that domestic violence is more complicated than originally thought, this theory remain the simplest classical basic theory for the domestic abuse.
BATTERED WOMAN SYNDROME - this term was also introduced by Lenore Walker to summarize all the characteristics of women who are chronically abused, do not find the resource to leave dangerous relationships, and endure violence over and over again. The author emphasizes that the category of "battered women" includes women who have experienced at least 2 cycles of violence.
1. The victim does not know how to say “no” and build personal boundaries in all areas of life.
2. The female victim does not feel her needs, emotions and desires or perceives them in a distorted way.
3. The female victim lives in a world of contradictions and mutually exclusive concepts. In the case of violence, two judgments may conflict in her: “I am guilty” and “I don’t deserve it”
4. The female victim is afraid of disapproval, anger, rejection, loneliness
5. The female victim is constantly in the waiting mode of violence.
6. The female victim has dichotomous thinking; the world for her has only 2 sides: black or white, good or bad
7. She already had a similar experience in her parental family
Let me remind you that this is only a theory, but it also allows us to think about how to avoid getting into such a relationship, or, if you did already - where there might be a "way out"